


Good night my world, my sun, my life. I hate you.

by Pearltears



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Diary/Journal, Implied/Referenced Torture, Letter, M/M, Multi, No real timeline, Oneshot, Other, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Unreliable Narrator, Written to mimic flow of thoughts, Yandere Im Changkyun, You can choose the member of his obsession
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:34:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23761657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearltears/pseuds/Pearltears
Summary: One-shot, in which Changkyun writes his inner thoughts and expresses emotions known only by him. Letter/diary entry directed to the member of your choice (no member names are used so you can choose the pair and object of Changkyun's obsession and desire ;) Time is not really important and focus is more on thoughts and emotions rather than situations.
Kudos: 1





	Good night my world, my sun, my life. I hate you.

**Author's Note:**

> No member names are used so you can choose the pair and object of Changkyun's obsession and desire ;)  
> I apologize for an errors I may have missed!  
> Thank you for reading, stay inside my lovely readers. Health first! Anyways enjoy the shitshow!

Hey

I hope you are doing well and are healthy and happy. I have contemplated of a good time to say this and I always put it off because I tell myself it’s not the right time. But the longer I wait the heavier my chest feels and the more I realize I shouldn’t wait for the right time because there will never be one. So, I’ll just bare my heart out for you this once, clearly and honestly.

I don’t know when it all started but you really made me feel happy and despite out little differences you made my days worthwhile. All the times we spent together I always-recall with a surge of positive emotions, you opened your trust to me, and I treasured and valued it. maybe I could fully open my heart and trust to you too? I don’t know if maybe it was my fault or maybe it’s all in my head. I don’t know but as of lately especially these two years it feels almost as if you have actively avoided me, and the distance although maybe not intended it hurts.

My thoughts are kind of everywhere and unorganized but, I really missed you. Our silly banter, our random talks about the unknowns of life and all. I know it takes two to make things work, like reaching out starting a conversation. I recognize maybe you don’t want to or grew tired of always reaching your hand out to me. I get the feeling. I do not blame you for growing tired of me, of waiting for nothing. For generously giving without receiving for so long. I want to reciprocate, but I am too timid and scared to reach my hand out first in fear that it won’t be taken.

I see you with others that make you happy and honestly you have so many people around you. You draw others in like moths to the light. It makes sense because your presence and your smile, laughter, everything you do illuminates the room. You are the center of attention without making an effort, without noticing that you have grasped the undivided attention of many with just your presence. It’s incredibly intimidating, I could not compare. I am just one of many enticed and hungry for your attention. I

know that you are not always a sun, because you have shared some of your darkness with me, made me feel special, like the only one who knew the real you. But as I open my eyes maybe I was just delusional. I no longer wish to be a nuisance or a burden. So, I take a step back and give you space and just try to be content from seeing you happy and enjoy the best of life perfectly undisturbed, without a worry, my absence unnoticed. I don’t want to be a needy person; I don’t like feeling like that. Deep down though I know I want to keep you close as well because I would never grow tired of hearing your thoughts, doubts, questions.

Perhaps you have someone close to you share that all too and I can’t help but to feel a little jealous. I’m such a hypocrite, saying I never get jealous, that I don’t mind this or that. It’s all just a stupid front. I open up to the wrong people. when I’m desperate to release the weight in my chest I don’t dare to burden those I hold close in fear that they’ll see me different. I share with them little bits of my worries in hopes that they will hear me and find that they just aren’t as invested as I and it hurts so I stopped expecting that from others. And well I guess I had started to feel comfortable and safe with you where I wanted to maybe try again but I ruin things for myself.

There’s just so many things that went wrong and I just had to try and deal with it myself. Because all I need is myself, right? Stupid pride. I’ve never felt that intensity of loneliness, which I put myself in because of my shame. I disgust myself; I hate everything I see in the mirror. I know it’s all in my head though. So stupid.

I hate that no one would understand. I don’t want a diagnosis; I don’t want them to tell me things I already know. I know I am insecure. I know I am heartbroken and conflicted. Maybe if I were prettier than I could be worthy of your attention and have a little piece of your heart? A face softer on the eyes. But then what the point of a pretty face when the real person incased inside is rotten and corrupted to the core. Blackness seeped far too deep; pieces too shattered there’s no point in wasting precious time, effort and care to repair.

I hated them all. All those false masked idiots around you. They are as shallow and cheap as they can possibly come. Can you not see it?

It’s not fair. The more I contemplate and dissect the situation I ask myself, why am I in the wrong? Am I at fault? What makes you superior? What makes your feelings and your needs or higher priority and of more importance over mine? The more I rethink things; I can’t help but start to hate you. Hate is love. I hate that you own all of my thoughts because there are endless things about you that capture my heart.

I lose rationality. This is an unhealthy obsession, but I can’t help but want what I can’t have. The further from my reach, the hotter my desire and passion to capture you. I want to hurt you, see if you can endure the torture you bestow on me without even realizing it. To break you and be the one to glue you back and treasure you. I am real and I am tangible.

I feel like shit. I don’t recall how things got this bad. I try to appear normal when we would get together, rare moments, little crumbs I would happily lick up. I was happy but so fucking bitter and greedy. I’m sure you could sense the hostility hidden behind sarcastic remarks, the hostility thinly laced with every word we shared. I’m not like that. It hits me hard when I lie in my bed sleepless, overthinking all the things that went wrong. Why am I always the one in the wrong” Why can’t it be you? No one ever calls me. No one ever looks for me first. No one ever apologizes to me. I help everyone without a complain. It’s always my job to be there. My job to listen. My job to be apologize first.

By the end of the first year I start to feel the distance more, but I can’t help but think distance is good for us because the little things you did began to trigger the ugliest of emotions in me. It’s not your fault, its mine because I couldn’t control my urges. I try to pass my worries as trivial concerns, but it makes things worse. I don’t want anyone to know.

The space between us was only temporary until I figured out a better solution to these thoughts of mine. When I ran into you sometime halfway through the second year, you were working at your job, my heart skipped a beat, but I felt ashamed afterwards, seeing you though made me happy because we hadn’t really talked much. I sent you a message that day telling you I was happy to have seen you, I didn’t want to hear a mediocre “me too” response because at the time I didn’t want your pity or insincere message so I asked you to just hear my thoughts and not reply.

This is all so out of order but I’m writing with the flow of my thoughts. I don’t even know what I was getting at anymore and at this point I just hope you can read my thoughts and my feelings without judgement and without fear of the state of my mind and emotions. I am doing better. I am going at baby steps. And trying to be more forgiving of myself. I want to right my wrongs. I want to be clear with you and honest about my shortcomings. I hope we can grow closer again and maybe that will ease my anxiety at this distance I feel. Or maybe you’ll accept my thoughts and it’s unrequited and that’s okay. Know that regardless I’ll always be supporting you and will always go out of my way for you when you need me. I don’t know what I am saying anymore. I’ll just go to sleep now because it’s late and I don’t know if you’ll read this now or later or maybe never.

Good night my world, my sun, my life. I hate you.


End file.
